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Finding just the right major has been difficult for me. Even though I realize some people don’t decide on a major until after their freshman year at college, here I am with a computer science major thinking “maybe computer science isn’t where my interests lie”. After all, I’d only chosen my major November of last year when I was pressured by my parents to apply early decision preferably to a college within Illinois, the state in which I reside.

I chose the University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign because I felt a deeper connection to that college than any other college within the state. After all, that’s where our band performed for four consecutive years. My love for band has brought me here because each year we work long intense months just to perform at Memorial Stadium. I have a stronger bond with my band friends than any of my other friends. Band was the most popular extra curricular activity at my high school, not only because we have reputable marching seasons, but because most people in band have the passion for music, camaraderie, and the desire to perform well.

So why did I chose computer science? I’d like to say I chose it because I am intensely passionate in the field of computing, and that I absolutely love math and science. But honestly, math and science are not my strong points. Surely I’ve taken challenging courses in high school, and I’ve taken the highest levels of math and science courses available, but I still don’t have a strong grasp when compared to students from countries such as China or Japan, or even students from the Chicago suburbs or math and science academies. Did I chose it because UIUC is strong in the field of computer science in the college of Engineering? Did I chose it because my mother also has a job relating to computer science and information technology? Did I chose computer science because computer scientists value creative thinking?

Maybe I chose computer science because of my recent interests in web designing. I really had no idea what computer science was aside from being somehow associated with terms such as software designing, computer graphics, hackers, and web designing. I also knew there weren’t many women in computer science, but I was alright with that, as I was only one of three girls in my web designing class in high school, yet I knew more about web designing than my teacher, and possibly a majority of the students in the class. My teacher had no clue how to code in HTML, and she didn’t even know what CSS was let alone any other scripts. At least she was honest about that, and mentioned to us–or me rather–that she didn’t know these things. I was disappointed at the time, that our school would have a class for web designing before deciding on a decent teacher. Knowing this, and past experiences with other computer related courses I’d taken in high school, I feel as though my knowledge in the field of computing is pretty slim.

Also, maybe comparing my skills to people more skilled will only result in me feeling incompetent. I’ve written and pondered often about my perspectives wavering between blind optimism and bitter pessimism. Maybe these constant bits of self-scrutiny can be attributed to America being an Individualistic society. That is, people tend to concentrate more on personal achievements rather than how one may help the community or family as a whole.

I suppose it’s comforting to know that there still are other students in my major, also freshmen, who have little experience in the field. Yet I still feel insecure. It wasn’t until junior year in high school that I showed interest in computers, and after my first week of taking Discrete Mathematical Structures and Intro to Computer Science, I found that computer science is more accurately known as computational science.

Analyzing my own reactions, behaviors, and habits, as well as that of others has brought one other field of interest to mind: psychology. Psychology is the science of mental and behavioral processes. If this were true, I believe psychology is the one science I have the strongest fascination towards. I’d love to observe and ponder how and why people are certain ways, and this interest has strengthened over the years through writing diary entries, writing and reading blog entries, interactions with others, and taking psychology classes.

I think that although my reasons for blogging can be numerous, and at times selfish mostly selfish, there has been a focus, a certain something I’ve been searching for each time I visit other blogging sites, each time I think up a topic to write. If possible, I’d like to either minor in psychology or major in it. As for computer science, I may continue studying it for the remainder of this semester. If in the end, I find it worthwhile, equally fascinating as psychology, I may combine my interests in both fields. Neuropsychology or biological psychology can have relations to computer science after all.

A fresh new semester begins Tuesday. Winter break this school year has been the longest I’ve ever experienced. Four weeks away from academia; imagine that(!)–not having to worry about final exams as I have in the past is an amazing feeling. Taking final exams before break is brilliantly rewarding. The freedom to rest whenever I please and knowing I don’t have any subjects I have to prepare for is refreshing (though I did look at discrete math a bit xD).

I am currently sitting at my desk in my dorm after a long day of packing and unpacking. Unpacking took longer than anticipated. Each time I return from home, my dorm room seems to collect more and more items. This time, since I’ve been gone for four weeks, the amount of items in the room seem so abundant that I seem to have no place to put them. I usually like being organized. Some might even say I like organizing a bit too much. I literally spent six hours unpacking, which encompasses doing the laundry, changing my bed sheets, mopping the floor which really needed mopping, re-plugging all the appliances, re-arranging boxes so they actually fit in my closet, and organizing books.

After much thought, I believe this semester’s courses may actually be enjoyable. At least I’m looking forward to the first week, possibly the second week as well. Also, I’m more experienced with balancing study and social networking this time around. I’m taking less courses, and I already know which clubs and organizations I want to participate in. I may even be brave enough to apply for an on-campus job.

Last semester I hadn’t taken any computer science courses other than the introductory eight week course, but this semester I’m taking two full semester CS courses to help me determine if that’s where my interests lie. Psychology will be fascinating as usual and Chinese reading and writing will also be fun. It’s a shame I’ve forgotten most of what I’d learned last semester in Chinese, but refreshing my memory shouldn’t take too long especially since I’d taken Chinese writing classes before this in both traditional and simplified. If anything, the lighter schedule in comparison to last semester should help me feel less overwhelmed.

Unfortunately, with the return of school, opportunities for blogging may be slim. My goal is to write at least three entries each month which doesn’t seem like much but looking back at my past archives there were times when I hadn’t written even one entry for an entire month. I will continue to write though, and perhaps my current and past enthusiasm for writing will enhance my knowledge of courses especially psychology. Last year students were required to keep a written journal in psychology class. I’d like to keep that tradition. As for story writing, I’m sure there are still days–such as today for instance.

Sidenote: It’s been bothering me a while now, but I can’t figure out why showing this site to people I know feels so awkward. Maybe it’s partly because most of the people I know don’t own blogs or personal sites of their own. Those who do tend to update less frequently. Maybe the online world in some cases, can’t co-exist with the more tangible world.

The wind, the clouds, the sun… A beauty so great, it might as well be invented by my desolate mind. What is the difference between a breath, and a dream? I could just be dreaming, dreaming a reality, floating on the thin surface of my sea of desires…

Alucinor, -ari. To wander in mind, dream, talk idly.

Once more, I am drenched in this nagging need for creation. I never seem satisfied, which is alright in some cases, since it drives me to pour out my best; yet other times I know I must be crazy - psychologically impaired - unnecessarily pessimistic - sitting hours upon heavy hours knowing I should probably just rest my mind. There’s so much art out there - so much amazingly captivating art that at times I feel intimidated - overwhelmed. I should probably stop with the excessive use of dashes. There really is a purpose to this entry despite the unpromising title.

Sometimes I have the hardest time being lazy. I busy myself with too many tasks on my mind, but at the end of a day, I realize I haven’t accomplished much of anything. Today, and every other day of winter break seems to have the same routine. Hours pass like minutes, and all the days blend together. I still managed to create some fond memories, and finally having my web site fully functional is a great accomplishment. I probably just need a break from web designing, and spend more time with my friends.

All my life I’ve been wandering physically and mentally. I guess I haven’t been living too long. Only about one fourth of my life is expended. One fourth of the candle has melted, but the flame is still vibrantly visible. I keep thinking of Macbeth’s monologue - or was it a soliloque (”Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow…”)? Such a sad tragic comedy is Macbeth.

I meant to write a dreamy, warm and cheerful entry. Wandering really isn’t a focused topic I guess. Maybe I meant to focus more on fairy tales. Speaking of fairy tales, one of my friends has written a beautiful rendition of Beauty and the Beast. Her story is so creatively written full of vividly believable emotions, each character so well developed, and her ability to incorporate her own personality and other parts of her life into the story is amazing. All this she’s written the complete novel of over 50,000 words in one month (November).

I doubt I’ll have time to write a novel in a year let a lone a month. Procrastination has its cunning ways with me. But I do aim to write a story however long, and write it to completion rather than leave it in fragments. Even with all this wandering, the sum of all the fragments or at least parts of fragments of ideas should come together somehow. I do love weaving and creating. Fear of the lack of originality is my only concern. Promises are hard to keep, but I’d like to make a promise to finish writing one story by the end of this year.