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Walking back to my dorm yesterday I recalled once more what I had told my second grade teacher the first day of class when she asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. I told the class that I wanted to become an artist.

It’s true that I’ve always loved art - even in day care when I showed off my origami making skills by folding birds, purses, shirts, etc with my handkerchief. The teacher actually decided to have an origami session and taught us how to make origami frogs. I’m unsure if that was inspired by me as I don’t remember much of it, but I do remember being embarrassed at not understanding a step in her instructions.

When I was three and a half to four and a half years old, I often spent my time working on crafts projects such as making cardboard puppets, masks, and animals, and also making origami figures. I also drew pictures of my favorite T.V. show characters and various other pictures though they weren’t that impressive. Once, we ran out of glue and I was so upset, but my grandpa suggested using rice as a substitute and it worked pretty well.

In first grade, our school participated in an art exhibit and I believe there was a contest of some sort as well. When my parents and I went to the exhibit to find my picture, we had the hardest time finding it. Then my dad pointed up at a place above all the many other pictures and there it was. I was so proud to see my Little Mermaid picture hanging above all the other pictures from kids of all ages.

In second grade, I gained popularity in my class through making paper birds for all my classmates after school. I even drew pictures for my teacher. My grandparents came to America and brought with them origami books and I loved them.

In third grade, during math class, my teacher said that nobody could draw a perfect circle, and I knew this, but some students spoke up and said that I could draw a perfect circle.

Whenever there was a project involving poster-making or anything that incorporated art, I always tried my best to make my project outstanding. Wherever I went I always prided myself in art and usually people noticed, though I wouldn’t say I have unwavering self-confidence in the field as there’s still so much more I can learn and improve upon, and I’m far from being an artistic genius.

At times I still question my decision in switching from Computer Science to Art and Design. Reflecting back to The Alchemist, I believe I am finally listening to my heart and that I am on a journey towards fulfilling my destiny however much I didn’t believe in destinies in the past.

“I believe that the so-called ‘writing block’ is a product of some kind of disproportion between your standards and your performance … one should lower his standards until there is no felt threshold to go over in writing. It’s easy to write. You just shouldn’t have standards that inhibit you from writing … I can imagine a person beginning to feel he’s not able to write up to that standard he imagines the world has set for him. But to me that’s surrealistic. The only standard I can rationally have is the standard I’m meeting right now … You should be more willing to forgive yourself. It doesn’t make any difference if you are good or bad today. The assessment of the product is something that happens after you’e done it.”
William Stafford, poet

After a long period of struggling to write something “worth posting” I realized I probably just set my standards too high. I wanted so much to post something that would be interesting as well as useful to others. For months now, the Endless Sonata turned into the Silent Sonata in which no notes were played, no words spoken in a period of “stage fright.”

The concept of stage fright hasn’t been much of a problem for me in the past, however nervous I may have felt before musical performances with the exception of one time when I had to post-pone my performance an hour or so. This was my last solo performance in my history of solo performances too - unless you count band auditions in college. After reading that quote, I not only better understand why I’ve been struggling so much with publishing a blog entry, but I also better understand that moment of stage-fright that was my last and final performance. Not only was that my last solo performance, but my flute teacher was also the judge of that event so I really wanted to do well. The performer before me was “miss first chair” of the top band from my high school while I was only fifth. After her playing, somehow, I may have set my standards too high and psychologically, I didn’t feel as though I was ready to play.

I’m unsure of whether or not I will go back to semi-regular postings but I will try. If any of you have any stories to share relating to writer’s block, stage fright, or performances in general, it would be nice if you could discuss them here. If you’re curious, I found the quote here originally.

And so it all ends with a flurry of snow on a sunny yet cold spring day. I ponder as I look outside the breakfast table window, whether my break this year has gone to waste. The more I think the more I am satisfied, for my break has been most productive recreation-ally. Academically, not so much, it’s somewhat disappointing, as I’d brought home all my books to look over. Foolish me, to think I’d study ahead this spring break if any at all.

It all began Friday morning when I visited UIUC once more, for an interview to see if art is what I really want to pursue rather than computer science. I decided with certainty and turned in my applications. I’ll be crushed if I’m not accepted. Graphic design is ranked 7 in the nation, not as great as computer science, but still pretty good. I’ve decided to minor in computer science instead.

Friday afternoon, my family and I boarded the van and drove to Chicago for my brother’s state chess tournament. The ride there took about four hours, and I “slept” most of the way there. I rarely ever actually fall asleep on car rides or plane rides. His chess tournament was to take place Saturday morning at 9 a.m. and end Sunday afternoon at 2 p.m. with the awards ceremony right afterwards. The area around the park district where the chess tournament was hosted was pretty nice. It seemed like a rich district. The middle school was huge. Read the rest of this entry »